i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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