I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
