her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why are your pants in the freezer?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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