I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
