weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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