i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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