after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
