My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
