Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
