so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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