Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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