youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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