you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
