According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
