I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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