I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
