You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
