You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
