He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
