I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.