The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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