it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica