i would punch a child for taco bell
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
