I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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