The maid of honor just puked.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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