you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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