you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
