Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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