we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
