I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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