i wish my penis had a tongue
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
