my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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