I think my fart just growled at me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
