If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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