Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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