Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
