The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
