You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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