After last night, I could never be a politician.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
