About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
