She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
