Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
