you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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