it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
