If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
