i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
