i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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