i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
