Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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