My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
