I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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