if you like me you must not know who I am
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
