I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
