Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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