Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
