I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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