I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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