my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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