Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
