i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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